Want to be a MIB? A Satirical Review of the Original Men in Black (1997)

men in black poster
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, out to save you from the scum of the universe

*Flash*

Everyone listen now: what you may think you just experienced is a house party with drunk teenagers and a crazy, lonely lady. In actuality, you traveled back in time 22 years to help us, the Men in Black, save the galaxy from an alien invasion. We’re looking for some new recruits and think all of you have potential, so you can call me Agent N. Let me explain what happened here today, so you can determine if you want to join us.

Let me set the scene. First, the Men In Black is an organization that keeps track of every alien life form not from Earth.

Second, we recently got a rookie named Agent J (former name Will Smith), who was partnered with our ace in the hole Agent K (former name Tommy Lee Jones).

Third, it just so happened that an alien bug decided to crash land here in search of something. We later found out he was looking for an alien prince hiding himself and a whole galaxy here on Earth. Long story short, the rook’s first day on the job somehow was smooth sailing — even though you may be hearing all of this thinking, “There’s no way this can go well”. No matter what you think, that’s the basics of what you need to know.

Now, let me explain some tiny details that might help you determine if you want to join the Men in Black permanently or not. Without a doubt, some of the jokes we like to crack on the job don’t land like we wish, but our aim is still pretty good. Especially between Agent J’s strong charisma and Agent K’s deadpan delivery, bouncing off each other.

You may also see some of our alien companions and realize they actually do look good, even though you all are from the future. Our 1997 technology advanced the human eye to make everything seem much better. When our alien friends are there, you can’t properly distinguish them from when they’re not there. And don’t tell them otherwise.

If you haven’t seen the report yet, consider this a warning. Our job may not be glamorous, even at the climax of our mission, which in this most recent mission was exactly the case. From what I’ve seen on the report, apparently all that happened was Agent J distracted the alien by swinging some sticks and getting flung around, while Agent K damaged the creepy-crawly in a slow but effective way…just for some girl from the morgue to give the final blow.

Everyone who has seen the report keeps talking about Frank the Pug and the Noisy Cricket, since apparently they stole the show. So if a dog they talked to for 3 minutes oozes enough charisma to leave a lasting impression, so can the Men in Black.

And of course, we need to have a moment of silence for Agent K…who at the end of his mission revealed that he wasn’t looking for Agent J to be a partner, but to be a replacement. For Men in Black agents who show no emotion to begin with, we were heartbroken to see Agent J use the neuralyzer on Agent K. Thankfully, we had a happy ending, but a heart-wrenching one at that.

Now it is time for you to decide if you’re going to join us in the Men in Black or not. If you are, you can stop here and you’ll get further notice later. If not, then let’s walk this way and let me explain what the neuralyzer is. ↓

……

……

A neuralyzer is a special tool we use to make sure you don’t remember anything we don’t want you to, so look right here at the red dot and…

*Flash*

…What you just witnessed here today is a couple of high school girls who decided to live it up a little after not going to any parties at all and instead spent all their time studying…

– – Written by RunPee guest writer Nicholas Collier, who secretly wants to join the MIB. Nick says, “I’ve been watching movies since I got my glasses in 5th grade. Movies are what I love, what I know, and what I aspire to create. Find me @LightCameraNick on twitter, and don’t be afraid to ask questions.”  

Learn More About The RunPee App

Watching movies, because we have to!

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Godzilla MovieMeme

Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty darn proud of the #MovieMeme feature I added to the RunPee app in the previous update. It’s a work in progress that I would consider in beta for now, but you can still do an awful lot with it and have great fun sharing your work.

MovieMeme -- Godzilla

To access this feature in the RunPee app, just select any movie, which will take you to the Movie Info Screen. At the top of the screen you’ll see the movie poster. Just tap on that, and you can draw on the poster and/or add a text or meme to it.

The usability is still a little rough around the edges, but that will get ironed out in time. If you have any suggestions I’d love to hear your feedback. Just email me: [email protected].

John Wick: Prince of Puppies

It’s also fun to just use your finger, or a stylus, to draw on the poster.

MovieMeme -- Aladdin

Or a combination of meme and drawing.

MovieMeme - Hellboy

MovieMeme

What’s New in the RunPee App Version 5.0 – Movie posters can can draw on, MCU Peetimes at a glance, and much more!

RunPee’s MovieMeme Designs – So easy, a “meme moron” like me can make one

Endgame Pee Planning from Rudd, Ruffalo & RunPee

Paul rudd and mark ruffalo talk endgame
With all due respect to Ant-Man and The Hulk, RunPee has a  better pee strategy for Avengers: Endgame.

Avengers: Endgame is a looooong film. Even the MCU actors are perplexed by fan questions about peeing during their three-hour movie extravaganza. Producer Kevin Feige just claims you can’t leave your seat ever, not at all, and must stay to watch Every. Single. Scene.

Thanks, Feige. This isn’t like some Jedi Mind Trick that works best on the feeble-minded. Marvel fans tend to be more savvy.  But there are ways around this unrealistic edict.

Two Endgame actors came forward to be “helpful”

  • Paul Rudd – Ant-Man – says to pee in your popcorn bucket under the seat.
  • Mark Ruffalo – The Hulk – suggests sitting in your excrement for three hours wearing adult diapers. Which maybe the Big Green Guy would consider, but we doubt Bruce Banner would do it.

I kid you not. Rudd and Ruffalo offered these tidbits on Jimmy Kimmel when asked when to ‘go’ during the three-hour bladder-busting runtime of Avengers: Endgame.

That’s not including the half hour of surely the best trailers to come out this year before the film even starts. So…plan on 3&1/2 hours of butt-time.

More unpleasant pee options for Endgame and your bladder

Besides the clear indication these actors are joking — and besides knowing from personal experience that no adult diaper can contain a FULL BLADDER’s worth of contents (don’t ask) — I wouldn’t try either option. I guess you could insert a catheter and attach a bag to your leg….but…come on. I dare anyone to go that route.

This leaves you either suffering/squirming, or going in absolutely dehydrated, or dementedly sprinting off at what will undoubtedly be the worst moment ever in Endgame’s monumental epic.

How about something easier, more sanitary, with less chance of getting you arrested for public exposure? (Sorry, Paul.)

With respect to Rudd and Ruffalo: may we suggest a third option to the pee bucket and a cold, wet pair of Depends?

RunPee: Because movie theaters don't have pause buttons.Try using the RunPee app instead. Seriously.

RunPee has one mission: to help every bladder on Earth during the movies.  The RunPee Family watches every wide release film on or before opening night, and curates a handful of Peetimes where you can slip out out to the loo, read the brief synopsis of what you missed, and sit back down without ever being confused or missing something crucial.  The app also tells you what happens in the 1st three minutes if  you’re running late, and covers the Extra Scene details, all without spoiling a thing. You’ll know when to go, as the app silently vibrates in your lap. Just grab your cellphone and go.

This is the RunPee app’s 10th Anniversary, so back when Iron Man first woke up in a cave in Afghanistan, RunPee’s been steadily building a library of thousands of Peetimes and movies….including, of course, each film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Avengers Endgame Peetimes will be posted before opening might, with  — in a film this long — several Peetimes to choose from, stretched across the movie.

RunPee is the only realistic option if you want to be comfortable in any long epic movie. Kudos if you can hold it that long with no discomfort, but now you don’t have to. And you can get all the sodas and beer you want, run out to the concession stand for food, or just stretch your legs a minute. All without getting arrested from indecent exposure by peeing in a popcorn bucket…

Learn more about the RunPee App and try it for free. 

Once More, with Ant Man. Why him, and why now?

Mark Ruffalo Sneaks in a Hulk Movie

The 59 Hour MCU Rewatch Marathon Means the RunPee App is a MUST Have for Your Bladder

Learn More About The RunPee App

RunPee’s MovieMeme Designs – So easy, a “meme moron” like me can make one

RunPee now offers MovieMemes on the app for you to play with! As the resident tech-moron within the RunPee Family, I wanted to proudly show off my new mad skillz in the movie poster graphics department.

movie meme pet sematary jill design
Frankly, the studio should have gone with my design. The colors, the gore, the tagline I cribbed from another movie: it’s all there…

I’ve even got some easy little hacks to make your exciting movie artwork look somewhat recognizable:

  • Try several times on other posters to get your feet wet. Or fingers. Although if you want to use your feet, we won’t jump through the app and stop you. Make big messes you hate and walk away. There’s a learning curve here, folks.
  • Adding text automatically looks clean, but the drawing effects are  simply too much fun to ignore.
  • After messing around the drawing option colors, sizes, widths, and a liberal use of the Erase button, you’ll get better,  I promise.
  • This is the best secret yet. It you have adult sized hands, your fingers make for a really thick brush, even using the “thin” width mode. So just use a phone Stylus. We all have them kicking around our junk drawers, and the Dollar Tree stores sell bags of them for a buck.
  • If you want to get the most eyeballs on your art, use the Share hashtag #MovieMeme on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, or anywhere you normally Share. The #MovieMeme hashtag is already in use, so it’s not like you’ll be inventing the wheel to get yourself viewed.

Now go make your own MovieMeme (You have to send yourself a copy or share it, since they don’t auto-save in the app)

I made three (really dreadful) MovieMeme posters the night RunPee rolled this sweet new update out. It wasn’t until I grabbed my stylus in frustration that my awe-inspiring Pet Sematary re-do was revealed: a  #MovieMeme I’m happy enough to show others. Church (the cat) now looks so much more satisfied. Just imagine how much better I could do with a bit of honest practice?

MovieMeme - HellboyMaybe on an Avengers: Endgame poster, or three.

Excuse me. I have some drawing to do….

——

[UPDATED…App Developer’s Note:
I just created a new #MovieMeme poster for Hellboy! I consider this drawing feature to be in beta mode right now. I’d love to get feedback on how I can make RunPee’s Movie Meme better for you.]

As always, email us at [email protected] if you need help finding or using the new Movie Meme feature in the RunPee app. 

MovieMeme

What’s New in the RunPee App Version 5.0 – Movie posters can can draw on, MCU Peetimes at a glance, and much more!

Learn More About The RunPee App

 

 

Ask The Magic 8 Ball – Will I need the RunPee app during Avengers Endgame?

Avengers: Endgame is confirmed as over THREE bladder bursting hours long — and every report says you won’t want to miss a single second of it  — not even during the credits.

Trust the Magic 8 Ball to prophesize if you’ll need the RunPee app:

RunPee will absolutely have Peetimes opening night, and your bladder will absolutely need us:

Learn more about RunPee!

Peetimes Coming for Avengers Endgame BEFORE OPENING NIGHT

Learn More About The RunPee App

RunPee’s “Anything Extra” Feature – The Details About End Credits Scenes

Spoiler Avoidance Strategies If You Can’t See Endgame Opening Night

Avengers: Endgame
One “game” you can’t be late to.

Chances are good most Marvel fans won’t get to see the long-awaited Avengers: Endgame film on April 26th’s opening night. There just won’t be any tickets left. If you’ve been following the 22-movie superhero saga, waiting will be hard to handle. Damn hard. Some of us are feverish with hope and apprehension to learn how The Snap is resolved.

Also, there’s the spoiler issue. Nobody wants a repeat drive-by trolling of “Snape Kills Dumbledore!”

So, you need a plan. First, get your tickets online. Use AMC.com or Fandango, if the sites aren’t still crashing from the Endgame traffic feeding frenzy.

Go NOW, if you can.

But it might already be too late. Get this:  eBay has pages of scalped tickets, with Endgame seats running from hundreds to thousands of dollars.

Here’s your best strategy if you can’t get a seat for Endgame on opening night or the next day.

(If you’re a die-hard MCU fan, take these suggestions, silly as they seem, seriously…)

…First of all, live like you’re back in 1995…

  • Avoid the Internet entirely, until you see Endgame
  • This includes internet apps on your phone (except RunPee, which will NOT spoiler you)
  • Avoid ALL the news, from any source, even TV
  • Don’t talk to or text your friends
  • Remember, people in Asia, Down Under, and Europe are many hours ahead of the USA and will see it first. If you have friends there, you might want to put them on a SM blacklist until after you see Endgame
  • Find out movie times in good, old fashioned |newspapers – they still make them
  • Buy your tickets at the ticket window  — not online; it’s too late for that — and wear earplugs just in case people are talking about Endgame
  • Don’t leave the house at all until you are actually going to the theater

I know that all sounds insane, but Avengers Endgame IS the endgame for legions of faithful MCU fans who’ve sat through 59 hours of these Marvel movies, and usually many, many sittings of each one. Personally, I’ve probably seen Guardians of the Galaxy ten times alone. Color me highly motivated to see how Endgame turns out.

Don’t get spoiled and/or in jail

Last thing I’d want is for people to do something as mundane as stand in a check-out line at the grocery store, and see a magazine with an Endgame cover and a spoiler title. Or you could be standing in that line and the people behind you start talking about Thanos and what Dr. Strange‘s plan was and OMG IT’S TOO LATE. You’re spoiled. And you can’t hit those people, because that would be considered assault and you’ll miss the movie because Endgame won’t be showing at a prison near you.

When you do get to see Endgame, bring the RunPee app

Don”t forget to fully charge your phone battery and double check your essential RunPee app connection, so you’ll know when to slip in and out for toilet/food/drink movie breaks. Endgame is over three hours long. At some point your bladder will start rustling. The RunPee app will have several Peetimes where you can safely run out during Endgame, read what you missed while you’re not in your seat, and also get specific end credit scene times.

Endgame is the big one

Again, seriously, make your Endgame plans now. Not even the upcoming final  Star Wars movie in the Skywalker Saga is going to be an event like this. People are falling out of love with Star Wars, but the Marvel Cinematic Universe is getting more wildly popular every year. I’d love to see their level of quality continue, but honestly wonder how the MCU could ever possibly top Avengers Endgame in terms of excitement, build-up, and anticipation.

Make no mistake: Endgame is THE event of 2019.

#AvengeTheFallen

#WhateverItTakes

Peetimes Coming for Avengers Endgame BEFORE OPENING NIGHT

The 59 Hour MCU Rewatch Marathon Means the RunPee App is a MUST Have for Your Bladder

Avengers Endgame Tickets Selling for $9,199 on Ebay as MCU Fans Lose Their Minds

Learn More About The RunPee App

 

The Ending of Endgame – Breaking News

From RunPee HQ: We have new information leaked about the end scene of Endgame.

A reliable contact at Marvel Studios just informed RunPee about the upcoming Avengers: Endgame post-credit scene. Picture this: Tony Stark suddenly wakes in a cave in Afghanistan.

Tony Stark's DreamThe ENTIRE story up to now has been nothing more than Tony Stark’s fever dream from Iron Man 1. However, as Phase 4 plays out, Tony discovers everything in his dream slowly comes true. Phases 4-6 will be a reboot of the entire story so far, but now Tony knows what’s to come — and is prepared to face Thanos and beat him this time. This is the true “endgame” the producers have been hinting at all along…or is it…?

We love a good joke here at RunPee, but we can’t let you leave thinking this is actually true about Endgame. That would just be too cruel.

Happy April Fool’s day. 🙂

Iconic Cars From Movies – Walmart Crafts A Winning Superbowl Commercial

Bumblebee is back
Technically, not a car.

It’s crazy, but the Superbowl commercial of the day goes to….Walmart. Walmart! I know! Whodathunk?

I need to make some screen captures, but you can do for now with the below video of the all-out effort made to include beloved, iconic, and a few harder-to-spot cool cars from many movies and TV shows, over many decades of time.

The Plot: These movie cars are sent out to pick up groceries from Walmart, and plays out like a little movie. What did we just see, in which order? 

  • The Batmobile from Batman  (One incarnation of it. Heh, get it? In-CAR-nation?)
  • Ecto-1 from Ghostbusters (And Slimer)
  • KITT, from Knight Rider, which would be my first choice to get my stuff, since I wouldn’t have to even go to Walmart at all. I could just send KITT there and stay home (And I checked…the voice is indeed really KITT’s, as William Daniels reprises his original role!)
  • Lightning McQueen from Pixar’s Cars
  • Mutt Cutts “Shaggin’ Wagon” from Dumb and Dumber
  • The Truckster station wagon from the Griswold Family in National Lampoon’s Vacation
  • The Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo
  • The Jurassic Park Tour Vehicle, complete with a hungry pack of Compies (We’re back in the car…again!)
  • Cinderella’s Pumpkin Coach, with Cinderella herself (Awwwww)
  • The Flintstones Car
  • We also see Bumblebee from the Transformers franchise. Well, why not? We’ll call him a part-time car. Maybe I’ll send him for my groceries
  • And finally, The DeLorean from Back to the Future

I’ve seen a few of these cars in “real life” — made by real people who went out of their way to redesign some wacky classics. To wit: the Ecto-1 in Yuma, AZ, the Mystery Machine in Asheville, NC, and the Delorean in San Diego, CA (that last one was at Comic Con, in the streets of downtown).

But seriously, this nostalgic commercial gets all the loves this year, plus it plays out over Gary Numan’s 1979 hit “Cars”:

The commercial sells the idea that you just show up in your car, and a Walmart Associate will bring out your groceries…which I am totally down with, since I don’t like shopping in person. So it’s a whole lot of brilliant, and whoever pulled this all together (getting all the rights alone must have been a nightmare) deserves their car of choice.

I’m still deciding which one I want. 🙂

Is Bumblebee a prequel or a reboot?

Waking up to Deadpool – Lyrics and Opening Scene from Angel of the Morning

Ryan reynolds as deadpool with lyrics to angel of the morning
Good morning, Sunshine.

I’m not a morning person. That’s why I keep my Alexa unit close to the bed, so I can shake off the cobwebs by playing Juice Newtown’s Angel of the Morning. It’s a soft, gentle, sweet song that wonderfully belies the  gristly hilarious opening teaser for the the original film Deadpool. Each day I imagine the amazing cinematography sweeping around a suspended moment in time: zooming from a man with a cigarette lighter burn mark on his forehead, passing an ironic Green Lantern playing card and Hello Kitty lip balm, to Ryan Reynold’s red-suited crotch (and all sorts of other great Easter eggs). The camera pans through the car and out to the frozen falling car tableau. [pullquote]It’s a scene to relish, and re-watch, and deserves some kind of award for Best Movie Opening Ever.[/pullquote]

As we know, Deadpool is a love story. And all the best love stories begin with a murder. And possibly Juice Newton.

Here’s the brilliant opening scene with the not-to-be ignored title credits…followed with the lyrics for Angel of the Morning, so you too can awaken to the soft notes and violent Deadpool imagery for yourself:

Angel of the Morning

(Sang by Juice Newton – Songwriters: Chip Taylor/Angel of the Morning lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC (1968)

There’ll be no strings to bind your hands

Not if my love can’t bind your heart
And there’s no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start
I see no need to take me home
I’m old enough to face the dawn

Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Then slowly turn away from me
Maybe the sun’s light will be dim
And it won’t matter anyhow
If morning’s echo says we’ve sinned
It was what I wanted now
And if we’re victims of the night
I won’t be blinded by the light

Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Then slowly turn away
I won’t beg you to stay with me
Through the tears of the day, of the years
Baby, baby, baby

Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, darling
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, darling

Movie Rewatch Review – Deadpool

Movie Review – Deadpool 2

Movie Review – Once Upon A Deadpool

Movie Review – Deadpool

Love, Actually and Christmas Is All Around (That “Festering Turd of a Record”)

bill nighy singing about christmas in love actually.
Father Christmas and his elves want you to buy his festering turd of a record.

Bill Nighy rocks. And in Love, Actually, he rocks even harder as a washed up, has-been rock star, an aging bad boy we can’t help but love.

Also, he’s one of those actors I’m certain can do no wrong. Hear that, Nighy? We’re all in agreement here: RunPee loves you. 🙂

Love, Actually is one of my absolute top Christmas movies; it gets a annual rewatch during the holidays, and yes, I still tear up at the denouement in the airport when everyone comes together. So many good feels!

In the teaser, Nighy’s character attempts to sing Christmas Is All Around…getting it wrong twice, then letting loose with a string of awesome British curses. I want to memorize that line and use it freely.

The scene and the song, for your Christmas viewing pleasure:

Here’s the lyrics for you as well, if you want to take this one out for a holiday caroling stroll.

Christmas Is All Around

As sang by Billy Mack (Bill Nighy)
I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
Christmas is all around me
And so the feeling grows
It’s written in the wind
It’s everywhere I go
So if you really love Christmas
C’mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind’s made up
The way that I feel
There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
‘Cause on Christmas
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind’s made up
The way that I feel
There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
‘Cause on Christmas
You can depend
‘Cause on Christmas
You can depend
It’s written on the wind
It’s everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C’mon and let it show
C’mon and let it show
So if you really love
C’mon and let it
If you really love me
C’mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C’mon and let it show…
….
Songwriters: Reg Presley, 2003
Christmas Is All Around lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
….
Excellent! Let’s put it all together so you can play karaoke:
Finally, have one last naughty/nice message from your Uncle Bill (25 second video). Merry Christmas, you awesome old sot!