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Gold Bond to replace James Bond in No Time for this Movie

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gold-bond-powder-bottle
Bond. Gold Bond.

In a surprise move that shouldn’t have been so surprising, the final Daniel Craig James Bond film No Time to Die has been renamed No Time For This Movie, and James himself has been written out. A quick replacement character, his brother Gold, will appear in the film this Fall.

A year ago, No Time to Die was the first blockbuster to postpone their movie when it became clear the pandemic wasn’t going away in a couple of weeks. After subsequently changing the release date on No Time to Die three times, the studio reportedly ‘gave up,’ saying, “We couldn’t be bothered anymore.”

In an official press release, producers at EON Productions Limited wrote: “Some of us wondered if it had to do with putting Die in yet another James Bond title, which is basically asking for trouble. We asked a Magic 8 Ball if DIE was an omen, and it said ‘Signs point to yes.’ So that was that.
“While the term Die has been in four Bond movie titles, Gold has been used more than once too — Goldfinger, The Man with the Golden Gun, Goldeneye — so it has a legacy and sounds a lot more optimistic.
“The new Gold Bond is soothing and just itching to make your acquaintance. He’ll be all over you.”

Daniel Craig, when confronted directly about this radical movie change, only said, “I’m British. Never heard of Gold Bond. Can I go now?”

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Gold Bond: No Time For This Movie might be shown in theaters some day. Maybe on streaming instead. Or the whole thing might be entirely scrapped: no one knows anything in Hollywood these days. 

APRIL FOOLS!

No Time to Die will be the longest Bond film ever

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The political subplot in Knives Out that tells the real plot

No Time to Be Sick: James Bond Movie Postponed Until November

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Comments

8 responses to “Gold Bond to replace James Bond in No Time for this Movie”

  1.  Avatar
    Anonymous

    No Time to Itch

  2.  Avatar
    Anonymous

    “Do you expect me to talk?”

    “No, Gold Bond, I expect you chafe!”

  3. Cute.

    The movie title *No Time To Die* couldn’t have been less appropriate during a pandemic. I think the universe obviously has a wicked sense of humor.

    Maybe the anti-vaxxers can make a documentary: No Time To Vaccinate: Plenty Of Time To Die.

  4.  Avatar
    Anonymous

    The Man With the Golden Bond

  5. A View to a Rash

    Live and Let Dry

    ItchyPussy

    You Only Scratch Twice

    Seriously. These things write themselves, ya’ll.

  6. Golden Man Avatar
    Golden Man

    I love this so much.

  7. Thanks Golden Man, and for the photo ~

    You are Man, Golden Man.

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