Movie Review – The Crow

This is not a movie review. This is a warning. There’s nothing worth seeing in this movie. If you’re a big fan of Bill Skarsgård, do yourself a favor and watch Boy Kills World. (Streaming on YouTube | Amazon for $5.99).

There are spoilers ahead because… Why not. If you haven’t seen this movie yet then you’re not going to after reading this review. Right? I’ll be the first to admit that I can be wrong. But I can’t possibly be this wrong. Even if I’m way off the mark with my rating on this movie then it would still absolutely suck. Saying this movie sucked would be like a weatherman saying it’s going to rain tomorrow when a hurricane makes landfall.

I tried. I really tried.

I’m a huge fan of The Crow 1994. That movie is a masterpiece. Amazingly, a largely unknown cast and crew came together to make a masterpiece. I went into this movie wanting to like it. There have been numerous remakes of The Crow, all of which have been complete flops. I was hoping this time would be different, and for the first 30-40 minutes, I was hopeful. The remake tries to tell the story in a different way. We get to see Eric and Shelly before they know each other, whereas in the 1994 version we meet the couple on their wedding night. There was promise, right up to the point that Eric and Shelly die. From that point on, it just went off the rails.

The Operatic Action Scene

One of the most ridiculous action scenes I’ve ever seen plays out in the lobby of an opera house while the opera is going on. It went on and on and had not one ounce of drama. Nor was action actually any good. Okay, Eric shooting himself in the chest so that he could kill the guy on his back was pretty cool. But everything else was just action for the sake of action. The number one problem with the entire scene is that none of the guys he killed were really bad guys. They’re just working for security. I mean, they’re working for a bad person, but that doesn’t mean these guys are evil and deserve to die. They’re just getting a paycheck. But they turn into action fodder. And it’s completely unrealistic. After Eric has killed the first half-dozen security guards, I’m supposed to believe that the next dozen are willing to try to kill someone who’s been shot 100+ times already. It’s stupid. Write better scenes, people.

Enya? Seriously?

The music for the The Crow 1994 is fantastic. Every song fits in perfectly. I’m not at all a fan of hard-driving music. But it works great in The Crow 1994. The music in this movie is entirely forgettable. That is with one exception. In this movie’s scene where Eric paints his face, we hear a remix of Enya (Boadicea). When I heard it, I seriously thought, “No. They wouldn’t. Really? Enya? What the actual F?”

The Ending Make ZERO Since

This is a tragic love story. That is absolutely the point of the entire plot. There’s no getting around it. But what is the sense in making it more tragic? They added this stupid exposition about your love must remain pure. And then they give Eric this massively contrived moment where he sees the bad guy do the possession thing to Shelly, and then she kills someone. And we’re supposed to believe that Eric would see that and have doubt about Shelly? He already knows this guy is bad and he can do some sort of possession thing. The only sensible reaction Eric can have is pity that the woman he loves has to live with what she did, even though she had no choice. It’s just stupid and serves no purpose other than to make it so that, ultimately, Shelly lives and Eric is dead. How does that make the story better? “Oh, look at me. I’m a great writer because I made a tragic story even more tragic,” said the dumbass writer.

And on top of all of that, what sort of temporal magic are we supposed to believe in so that essentially nothing in the movie happens after Eric and Shelly are killed because in the end the paramedics revive Shelly, but Eric is dead? Hello? News flash. That means the bad guy is still alive in this warped temporal mess you just created, and on top of that, he’s still trying to find Shelly and kill her, and now there’s no one to protect her.

One Good Line

I’m going to give credit where credit is due. There was one good line in this entire movie. Shelly says to Eric, “If I’m ever hard to love. Try loving me harder.” That’s great stuff. That’s a person/character who knows they are human and can be difficult sometimes, and they’re asking the person they love to believe in them, even when they’re not at their best. Congratulations, you used a great line on a piece of shit movie.

Grade: F

About The Peetimes: I have two Peetimes. I think the second one is the best. It’s plenty long and easy to summarize.

There are no extra scenes during, or after, the end credits of The Crow.

Rated:	(R) Gore | Drug Use | Language | Sexuality/Nudity | Strong Bloody Violence
Genres:	Action, Crime, Fantasy
Starring:	Bill Skarsgård, FKA twigs, Danny Huston
Director:	Rupert Sanders
Writer(s):	James O’Barr, Zach Baylin, William Josef Schneider
Language:	English
Country:	United Kingdom, France, United States

Plot
In this modern re-imagining of the 1994 cult classic, “The Crow,” soulmates Eric and Shelly are brutally murdered. Given a chance to save her, Eric must sacrifice himself and traverse the worlds of the living and the dead, seeking…