Movie Review - Keeper

Well, the title is ironic because Keeper is definitely not a keeper. In fact, it's so bad that I seriously considered turning in my notice and quitting this job. That's how painful this experience was.

Let me start with the most glaring problem: Malcolm and Liz have absolutely zero chemistry. None. Zilch. This is supposed to be a romantic getaway to a cabin in the woods, but I couldn't believe these two people even liked each other, much less loved each other enough to take a trip together. Every scene that required them to act like a couple felt forced and uncomfortable to watch.

7:42●●● 95%

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Speaking of uncomfortable, let's talk about Rossif Sutherland as Malcolm. I'm shocked to discover his father is the legendary Donald Sutherland - he was obviously skipped over in the family tree of acting talent. His performance throughout the entire film looked like he was constipated. No emotion, no range, just one blank expression after another. In moments where he should have shown fear, passion, or anger, he gave us... nothing. It was like watching a mannequin attempt drama.

Tatiana Maslany, who won an Emmy for Orphan Black, was equally terrible as Liz. Her character was unlikable, and I never could figure out why she was so difficult. The movie kept important character motivations and past events shrouded in darkness, but not in a mysterious, intriguing way - more like a frustrating, lazy writing way. They seemed to think being vague would make them look deep and artistic. It didn't work.

And those plot holes? They were the size of Jersey potholes - massive, impossible to ignore, and they made the whole journey unbearable. The film withholds information that would actually help the audience understand what's happening, leaving you confused and annoyed rather than engaged.

The one thing I'll give them is that the cabin and woods setting was the only thing remotely watchable. At least the location was pretty.

I went into Keeper with no expectations, and somehow it still managed to disappoint me. The acting was wooden, the casting was all wrong, the chemistry was nonexistent, and the plot holes could swallow a truck. This is easily one of the worst movies I've seen this year.

Save your time, save your money, and definitely don't keep this one on your watchlist.

Grade: WTF

Plot
Liz and Malcolm escape for a romantic anniversary weekend at a secluded cabin. When Malcolm suddenly returns to the city, Liz finds herself isolated and in the presence of an unspeakable evil that reveals the cabin's horrifying secrets.